February
In which I learn I am not a problem
February is the month when I think I’m going to start a whole new life. January is about recovering from December, and February is about contemplating a new career. Last February I sent out a bunch of job applications to companies in California, and I started an online course to become a TOEFL instructor. Teaching seemed like a profession I should be prepared for if I decide to finally move overseas and repeat in reverse the journey that my ancestors made to North America.
I didn’t get any jobs in California and I didn’t finish the TOEFL course and I didn’t move to Europe. I also didn’t finish any of the drafts I started writing in Substack.
Maybe I’ll finish them? Maybe not? Maybe you can just come over and we’ll talk about them and they’ll be completed in conversation but never published.
This month I had a new idea about how to change my career, but then I remembered last year. What is this pattern about? Why do I want to enroll in another class again? I sent an audio message to my friend asking if they thought this new idea was good or bad since I can’t trust myself to know on my own.
They called me and told me to go ahead and do the new thing because it’s not a problem. “You’re not a problem,” they said. What a relief! I’m not a problem! My pattern is just my pattern! I don’t need to solve it! We decided I can keep layering on jobs forever, a different job for every day, and I’ll never need to choose which of my talents to serve over all the others. Eventually I’ll be a librarian-teacher-dancer-songwriter-crafter-traveler-witch and every skill I possess will be employed. This makes sense to me. Even as a six-year-old, when I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I named three professions: actress, singer, teacher (I think the last one was just because I was really good in school and I liked being in places where I was always on top). Life is long, why do only one thing? Alternatively— life is short, why do only one thing?!
I thought about several paragraphs justifying why I’m like this, and there are astrological/generational/experiential reasons I could get into, but I decided not to be a theory bro today and instead leaned into praxis girlie energy. The point is that I noticed the pattern, caught myself in the pattern, and then through the magic of relationship realized that it is unnecessary to pathologize the pattern. I can be satisfied, and with that satisfaction firmly seated in the place where psychological torment tried to stir, I can press “Publish” and keep this out of the draft pile.